THURSTON HOWELL, Washington -- Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft and famed creator of the Blue Screen of Death, has died at age 65. Tributes continue to pour in from governments able to spy on their citizens using the backdoors left in the various versions of Windows operating systems. However, accounting firm KPMG has announced that Allen's fortune, estimated to be over $20 billion, has completely disappeared.
KPMG spokesperson Jacob Marley stated, "As much as it seems unlikely, our preliminary audits show that, somehow, Paul Allen was able to take it [the money] with him. There is no evidence of theft, no evidence of any transfers of funds or assets. Everything is just gone." The Allen-owned Seattle Seahawks football team has been reported missing. While his Portland Trailblazers basketball team and soccer's Seattle Sounders FC are nowhere to be found, nobody has bothered to report them missing.
This is not the first time Allen money has disappeared. His Ticketmaster company, famed for jacking up concert ticket prices, failed in its monopoly attempt and was fined heavily. Somehow that company sued Microsoft, not the first time someone has tried to sue themselves. Ticketmaster then suffered a data breach in the UK with over 40,000 credit card records lost. Card companies deny any relation to the coincidental estimated 40,000 Amazon shipments made to North Korea. Allen's cable operator Charter Communications went into Chapter 11 bankruptcy, leaving investors $8 billion poorer. Several other corporations moved overseas or shut their doors to avoid the "Allen Touch".